Schmuly on the family

My main goal in life is to be a good mother, and I feel like I need all the help I can get. I recently watched a program where they interviewed Schmuly Boteach, a Jewish rabbi who travels around the country teaching troubled families how to get along. I liked a lot of the things he said and thought I would share them in my blog.

"The catastrophic decline of the American family, the utter disintegration, the decentralization of the American home, is our foremost natural emergency."

"We have to redefine success in America. The average guy who does the right thing but is unknown for it feels like he is a zero... We have to begin to redefine success. The man who sits and does homework with his children when no one is watching, the man who conquers his passions and focuses his lust on one woman-- his wife-- when no one is watching, who does the right thing because it's right-- that is heroic."

"The first commandment of every marriage is to put the marriage before the children. When the marriage comes first and the children see a living example of love, and they can live with that even as they leave the home, they can take it with them... Love is not a myth and we have to give our children a living example of it."

"When we don't discipline our children and remove the decay of selfishness they spoil... [By spoiling your kids] you are teaching them insatiability; they will never know happiness. Good enough is never good enough. No matter what you give them they still want more and more... What we do by endulging our children and not setting boundaries is we rob them of empathy. They become such narcisists, they become such black holes, a vortex where everything is sucked in. They can't feel for others. They end up saying, 'I can't feel for you because I need something and there is a conflict between your interest and mine.' We teach kids sympathy and empathy by making them selfless. Selflessness comes by teaching kids to respect others."

"Parenting is done with two hands. The right hand is unconditional love-- making our child feel that they are worthy just by being, not by doing. The left hand is establishing boundaries. Saying, 'Amidst that unconditional love, because I care about you and love you, I teach you the rules of life.' That is the role of the parent: discipline and love."

"It's not fair to children when we suppress their energy and not channel it to a much better place. You can't just give rules without inspiration."

"There is a great challenge in life-- for all of us-- how to overcome everyday boredom, the monotony, drudgery, predictability, and routine of everyday life. And the way to do that is to make ordinary things extraordinary, to make the natural things miraculous."

"In the act of self-victimization we can't move forward."