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Mom of five lovely daughters, wife of one dashing man. Born in Utah, grew up in Oregon, live in Georgia.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Hanging on by a thread

"How are you?" I get asked that question at least a few times a day. And lately I've not quite known how to answer it. When most people ask how you are doing they expect a brief and sweet answer like "I'm doing well." But sometimes that answer feels like a lie. Yes, on the outside I'm doing well. My kids are healthy, I'm in love with my husband, and I live a fairly active and productive life. But on the inside I am not doing well. I'm a mess. I try and keep it together, but I'm holding on by a thread. A few months ago at my annual exam the doctor noticed a nodule on my thyroid and did some blood work that revealed I am hypothyroid. I don't know if it's my thyroid or Satan, but for the past long time I have felt like I'm living in a fog. I am able to function at a fairly normal level, but it's a constant fight to keep myself going. I have force myself to stay engaged in the people and activities around me. There is a strong and steady force pulling me into a dark tunnel. And some days I want nothing more than to retreat into quiet isolation. I want to numb out and just be left alone. I also have to fight a constant barrage of negative thoughts and feelings. I feel lonely and overlooked and like no one likes me. Rationally I know that those feelings are not based in reality, but they are something I constantly fight. And it's exhausting. I want to feel good and happy and satisfied with who I am. Tomorrow I have a biopsy on the nodule on my thyroid and I hope it begins the process of getting back to myself. In the meantime I'll just keep hanging on by a thread. And trust that it's a strong thread.


Rachel said...

Big, big ((HUGS)). I'm sorry you are having a hard time. My mom has hypothyroidism and has a tough time with it at times, too. My prayers and thoughts will be with you tomorrow. If there is ANYTHING that you need don't hesitate to call.
(I mean it, too!)

Shana said...

I can relate-- SO MUCH!
I have been hypothyroid for a LONG time... (since my sr yr in high school). It is so hard. Sometimes you feel like you don't want to socialize with anyone and you just want to lay in bed FOREVER... I can relate so well.
I am sorry!!! It is NOT fun at all! But if you ever want to talk, let me know because I understand exactly how you feel. You are so tired you don't know how you can even function.
I am glad you express yourself so well on your blog. I am sure it helps to take comfort from other people.
I am sure it is a scary thing to get a biopsy done on it!! I will pray it is nothing serious and you will be able to take care of it with just a pill!
Mine is so bad that I am on such a high dosage that when Dr's find out, they freak out and can't believe that I am actually on a dosage that high.
Let me know if you need anything-- I can help from a distance.
You are in my thoughts!!
Love ya

Abbi said...

Oh Jessi, I'm so sorry you are having to fight this!! I hate feeling that way. You are in our prayers big time! You are so loved by so many people, and as Chad's mom always says, "Consider yourself hugged!!!"

Jen said...

I like you, and we haven't even met. I sometimes struggle with an almost physical depression, but I think for me it is usually a vitamin B deficiency. What a hard thing to have an ongoing battle. I hope this coming visit to the doctor will solve some of the mystery!

Sally said...

Thinking of you Jessi. Hang in there!

Arica said...

Jessi... as my grandfather always used to say, "This too shall pass." Parts of your struggle sound familiar, as I have just finished a two year recovery of a bout with hypothyroidism (the result of my pregnancies).It is wonderful that you have a diagnosis to confirm the problematic symptoms that you are battling. For me it took years for a docter to put two and two together. I consider a diagnosis half the battle of my struggle. You seem so resilient and good-natured. I know you will overcome this trial. Trust in the Lord to give you the strength to endure and to help you through each day. Rely on him for every need. I know He can and will deliver. You are so wonderful! Love Arica

Dani said...

I can relate, Jessi! I too have hypothyroidism. Dang thyroid. And man, the symptoms that go along with a disfunctioning thyroid ARE exhausting! Its a good thing your DR discovered it though and is going to treat it. Once you get on some thyroid meds, that will help. But if you keep feeling that way, talk to your DR. Its always good to talk to someone. At least that has been my experience. And isn't it good to know that you are not alone? Its a fairly common issue with women, not that it makes it better but I find it helps a little to know that I'm not the only one! I'm here if you ever want to talk to or e-mail a fellow hypothyroidee!

Ginger said...

Jessi- I won't say I totally get it, because I maybe don't, but I do know where you are coming from! With hypothyroid (which I have thought OFTEN that I have, but never tested positive for) combined with your 5 kids (I get it... I've got my 5 too!), I can totally understand your feeling of hanging on by a thread. My oldest also has ADD (not hyperactive, just inattention), and that adds to the stress in our home. I told my husband I can handle the ADD, or I can handle the new baby, but not both!
I was just thinking of writing a blog post in a similar vein after reading an article yesterday in the WSJ about vitamin B12 deficiency, which I think might be my problem. And lack of sleep, which leads to no energy, which leads to no exercise, which becomes a vicious cycle, right? But having 5 kids, I'm guessing you understand!
Anyway, you might want to talk to your doctor about depression too, because a lot of what you are experiencing sounds like what my mother and sister have gone through with their depression, especially not wanting to engage with the outside world.
I hope you are able to figure out what is going on, and feel better soon!

Ginger said...

Okay, I just need to apologize. I didn't mean to write a BOOK!, or to do one upmanship, so I hope my comment didn't come across that way. I just want to lend support. I hope things get better quickly for you!

Sweetest Of All said...

Sounds like on an ugly day you need to call me and spill out all that trauma in my lap!
email me for my number.

Michelle Pyne said...

We love you and hope the biopsy points to a quick cure. You are in our prayers.

Emma said...

Jessi, I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way. I too have hypothyroidism. Luckily I'm on a very low dosage, but I remember how I felt and I hope you will soon feel back to normal soon. Big hugs!!!

Andrea said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!!

rachel said...

Popped by your blog for the first time in forever... Thinking of you. <3