On Sunday we had one of my good friends over for dinner. As we were waiting for everyone to sit down to eat Emily hurried and covered the rolls with a towel so they wouldn't get cold, something she has seen me do before. I thanked her and said, "You will be such a good little homemaker when you grow up." At that moment my friend looked at my other girls and asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up. I doubt she meant anything by it, but I felt like her question implied that I should have greater ambitions for my girls other than that of homemaker. But really, that is exactly what I want them to be-- and I work hard at teaching and preparing them for that role. Of course I also want them to be educated. I want them to go to college and to get their degree. I want them to be prepared to support themselves or their families should the need arrive. But I hope that their primary role is that of wife, mother, and homemaker.
I know that it is not a popular viewpoint in today's society, but I believe that the family is best supported when men and women follow traditional roles. There is no substitute for the influence of a mother in the home, and I really don't think the household can run smoothly without the woman there to manage and direct its various components. I think that when women try to do both (motherhood and work outside the home) inevitably something suffers. Managing a household and raising children is a full time job.
I also want my girls to have the same happiness and satisfaction I do as their mother. I LOVE my job, and could not be as happy doing anything else. Sure, a lot of my time is spent doing mundane tasks, but those tasks fulfill a great purpose. "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" (Alma 37:6) By focusing my energy on purposes larger than my own self-interest I find joy. I feel like I live a truly "abundant life". And I hope that by setting an example of what it means to be a homemaker my daughters will see in my life something they wish to aspire to, just as I have watched my Mother and Grandmothers and aspire to be like them.
(*I know that many women struggle with these ideas and do they best they can to juggle all of the demands placed on women today. These thoughts are my own opinion and I respect others who have opinions different than mine.)
About Me
- Jessi
- Mom of five lovely daughters, wife of one dashing man. Born in Utah, grew up in Oregon, live in Georgia.
Friday, July 13, 2007
In my footsteps
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9 comments:
You mentioned that you wanted your girls to go to college. Would you prefer they major in something related to being a homemaker such as home economics, child development, etc.? Would it be o.k. if they wanted to major in Biomolecular Engineering? What if they wanted an advanced degree but were still going to eventually be homemakers? Isn't to some extent "too much" education a waste?
I appreciate someone wanting to be a wife, mother, homemaker only - and I think families are better off growing up in that situation like that.
I guess it just makes me nervous when people want to pigeon hole someone into a "traditional role." It would make me a little sad if one of your daughters had the desire and ability to be a great teacher or assist in the advancement of medicine full time, but because of the influence of traditional roles, she chose to be a homemaker.
It would also make me feel out of place if I desired to be a stay at home dad and raise our children and be a homemaker. Maybe I even have a wife who would prefer to work. It makes me feel like other people (and/or religious teachings) are screaming YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG! Why?
I understand the nurturing differences between a man and woman and I understand that argument. But all women are not wired the same. You have a tremendous influence over your daughters and 99 times out of 100, that influence will win out.
I guess my question is how can you be so sure that what you wanted for yourself is the correct/proper/right thing to want for them? And how do you know you are not "squashing" other greatness besides being a homemaker, etc.?
I'm with you Jessi. Ultimately I wanted to just stay home and be a mom and wife. I got my college education and continue to educate myself. If something were ever to happen and Aaron couldn't work I would. (But I don't know if I would enjoy it)
As I am meeting new people here I get mixed reactions to my staying at home. I haven't had anyone say I was wrong. But I get funny looks when I say that I'm not sending my 3 year old to preschool and that I will just be home with him and do a co-op preschool.
At least most people understand that I have a full-time job - I just don't get paid (w/$) for it!
From the other end of the spectrum (I am a working mom) I think that it's funny to hear the different views of my co-workers. I've recently thought about trying to stay home after my twin's are born because that will make 4 kids for us and 3 of those are all going to be 1 and under. Some of my friend's can't believe I wouldn't come back and some can't believe that I would. I love my job and in my opinion I am very good at it. I love my kids and in my opinion I think I am a good mom. I think that the decision to follow tradition or go with the working crowd is a decision that each mother has to make for herself. I personally feel like I am not as good of a mother when I am with my kids every minute of everyday. I don’t enjoy my kids as much and I feel a loss of myself if I don’t have sometime outside of the home that I am responsible for. I also feel, for myself, that I need an outlet in my life to be something other than a mom. I love being a mother – it gives me more joy than anything I’ve ever done in my life but I also enjoy going to work once in awhile. I’d rather go 3 days a week instead of 4 but right now 4 day’s a week is what I have to do. I think I am still domestic … I cook dinner, clean up after the kids, bake, do projects, help with homework, go to school meetings/events, etc. and I run an extremely organized household. I think as a working mom you have to be efficient or your family suffers - if you can't be efficient then just as you mentioned in your blog "inevitably something suffers". However, I don't feel that anything suffers in my life. My employer thinks I do a great job - my kids love me and people often tell me how great they are and what a good relationship I have with them and my house is run tighter than most. There is always food in the fridge, clean clothes in the closet and messes are kept to a minimum throughout my house. I love my life as a working mom and while I envy the women who stay's at home with their kids I know that that isn't the right choice for me and my family. I am just glad that we all live in a place where we can make those choices for ourselves :-)
I just had this conversation last night with the neighbors, and I have a lot to say about it! I absolutely will post my thoughts on this issue as soon as I get a chance. For now though, I agree with you. I just know there are so many different, STRONG opinions on it. I also know that there are women out there whose kids are better off (and moms too) not being with their moms all day, but for my family, things are better when I'm home.
Thank you for opening this subject for discussion. You have a thoughtful and persuasive way of expressing yourself.
I am into this motherhood journey some 19 years now (Rachie will be 19 September 30th!) When I embarked on this adventure I thought that, of course I would be a stay at home mom, it was what Joe wanted and what I thought I wanted. But as the years passed that decision proved not to be as clear cut as I thought it was supposed to be. There were many times I questioned my choice and longed to return to my schooling or find a job. At one point I was offered a woderful position teaching secondary french in a private school not far from my home. I agonized over the decision before I turned it down, and then I agonized over it some more. But older women I respected, working moms and stay-at-home moms alike told me again and again if they could do it all over, they would spend more time with their families. So on their advice, and on the counsel of a prophet of God I have stayed home.
I am so glad that I did. Now, years later, with Rach getting ready to leave our home, I see how quickly it all passes, a perspective I did not have 10 years ago. I am thankful I did not have to give my time to any other career than being mom. It hasn't been an easy choice, I never felt like motherhood was a good fit for me but, knowing I learned to forget myself in the service of people I love brings me such joy. Maybe things would've been fine if I took that tempting teaching position some years back, and yet my path has taught me that learning this kind of selflessness for me is a treasure I could not have found any other way. The time will come too soon when all of my kids have left our home and with a little luck a really great teaching opportunity will come open again.
I have many dear women friends who have made different choices than me. They are wonderful people and have raised successful families. That being said, like Jessi I hope my girls will choose to become fulltime homemakers before embarking on their careers. I have two daughters who are intelligent and beautiful. They will go on and earn degrees in higher education, they will be great assets to their communities. You can learn wonderful things in universities, but there is only one place I know of where a woman can claim for her own the peace and wisdom that comes from giving her life full time to the little children in her home. My dream for my daughters is for them to find this same joy. I hope they will learn everything the world of higher education can offer and then raise their families so that along with having an educated mind, my girls can cultivate an educated heart. I believe this is the best cause a woman can give her talents to, and as the years have passed, I have seen again and again how true this is. Once those children have grown and gone, my daughters can take all they have learned in their home and at school and apply it to any worthwhile cause they choose.
Babysitters there are a-plenty but I'm the only mom my kids have. Its all about seasons, I've learned that the season of being a mom with little ones in the home is a short one, and no matter how much time you give to it, it will never feel like enough once that season has gone.
Thank you to all who have so candidly commented. I really appreciate your feedback!! I was a communications major in college and feel that as we engage in honest, friendly, open conversation we grow in empathy and understanding.
John, you posed some great questions and for sake of making this a dialogue I thought I would respond.
First, I believe education in all its forms is one of the great purposes of this life. If my daughters wanted to study biomolecular engineering in college I'd encourage them all the way. If they wanted to get an advanced degree I would support them. An educated mind is one of the best gifts a mother can give her children.
Second, I would never seek to "pigeon hole" my girls. I want them to think, to learn, and to develp their talents. I believe that we each have a purpose on this earth and that if we are seeking to do the Lord's will He will guide us. If my girls are meant to contribute in ways other than motherhood the Lord will direct them along those paths. (And for the record, I believe the greatest contribution any woman OR man can make is to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted children).
Third, as a general rule I do believe in traditional roles just because that's generally the most successful pattern. However, I would never look down on a father who chose to stay at home with his children while the mother worked. The question we need to ask is "What is in the best interest of the children." If a non-traditional approach is what is necessary than I would never judge anyone for that. However, I don't think any daycare can substitute for a parents' role in rearing children. Sometimes we make decisions between right and wrong, and sometimes our choices are between good, better, and best. I have no doubt that many women can successfully juggle careers and motherhood, but in MOST cases (there are exceptions to the rule) it is BEST for the mother (or possibly the father)to be at home full-time.
Lastly, I do not expect my girls to become rubber stamps of me or anyone else. They are individuals and one of the great challenges I have is parenting them in ways that meet their unique needs and personalities. I encourage them to be prepared for whatever life brings them, which I hope will include the opportunity to be a wife and mother. There is a broad skillset necessary to run a household and by teaching my girls these skills I am in no way limiting them but expanding their opportunities and capabilities. I would never "squash" other greatness by preparing them for motherhood because I believe NOTHING is greater than being a mother.
I was lucky enough to stay home during they day with my kids when they were small. I tended children in my home for extra income. I went to work in the evening so that Rog could watch the kids. That way I never had to leave them with anyone else. Now days you can't trust anyone with your children. You are so blessed to stay home with your girls. There is no greater calling than being a mother. The examples you set right now will influence them the rest of their lives. They're very lucky and blessed to have you as their mother.
I agree with your thoughts, that there is no replacement for the mother in the home. But, what if your daughters don't get married? I have friends who have gone to college, done all of the "right things" and are still not married, and their moms are all too ready to remind them of this at every possible moment. While getting married is important and wonderful, I think there also needs to be an increase in teaching our daughters that it's ok if they don't get married, that there is more that they can do. Teaching these skills are essential, but chances are one or more of your daugthers will not marry, as there seems to be an increase of single women.
..Not that your daughters aren't wonderful! I just worry that we as a society might be setting our daughters up for heart break in the future if things don't turn out the way we/they might have hoped. You sound like a wonderful mother and they are lucky to have you!
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