I just read Abbi's "What are my reasons" blog and think she is brilliant. I have been having many of those same feelings and believe she is right-- love is the answer. My problem is I'm not feeling the love. When I look at my life I know I am so incredibly blessed. I cannot fathom the differential between the enjoyments of my life and the tragedy in the lives of most of the people in the world. I have a testimony of the gospel, a knowledge of the plan of salvation, and relationship with our Savior. I have a loving, kind, and supportive husband, four adorable daughters, and a beautiful home. I live in a nation where opportunity is unlimited. I get to experience diverse forms of entertainment-- travel, boating, swimming, reading, movies, eating out, etc. I have an awesome life!!! And yet...
When I wake up in the morning I don't want to get out of bed. I dread the monotony of my responsibilities-- the fact that the critical things I have to do in a day are vacuuming the floor, weeding the yard, or doing the laundry. I get tired of cleaning up messes again and again and of having the things I just worked for undone. I'm tired of feeling like I can't do the things I want to because of inadequate finances or impossible circumstances. I'm tired of feeling like I want to escape my life instead of live it.
Ultimately, what I want and feel like I am missing is a sense of passion and excitement. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment. When I step back and look at my life from a spiritual perspective I do recognize the wonderful things I am accomplishing in raising up the next generation and in creating a home that is a safe haven for my family, but in day-to-day living I feel very little authentic passion. I try to create passion by setting goals, seeking after stimulating experiences, or by focusing on the positive, but at the end of the day I still go to bed frustrated.
Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are too high. I feel like in my circumstances I should wake up excited, ready to live and experience each day. With the right perspective even cleaning house can be a noble pursuit (afterall, how wonderful it is that I even have a house!!). Or, should I just dig in and do what I have to do because I know it's my duty? Is it too much to ask to feel passionate about my daily responsibilities? How do I internalize the feelings I know I should have?
I do believe Abbi has the answer. I now need to find out how to apply it in my life. Any suggestions?
About Me
- Jessi
- Mom of five lovely daughters, wife of one dashing man. Born in Utah, grew up in Oregon, live in Georgia.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Duty or Passion
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3 comments:
This is will take a lot of thinking about. It will also take a long phone call to discuss it! Abbi and I are thinking about it and we will get back to you soon!
Thanks! I've been thinking about it too and have concluded that it's the same lesson I have to learn again and again and again....: That Satan does not want me to reach my full potential and that his most effective weapon on me is discouragement. I try and fight back via the methods I mentioned in the blog, but ultimately what it's going to take is complete surrender to our Savior. I need to quit trusting in my own ability and have more faith in His.
Jess, thank you so much for your honesty!! I think the way you feel is universal to the human experience at one time or another. As I read your scripture, a quote by Pres. Hinckley came to mind (one that I posted in my blog a while back):
“[The fact is] most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.
“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.
“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
I think your feelings are the outcome of this reality that mortality is hard. So don't beat yourself up for feeling this way! :)
I also think that your last comment was really insightful. The task of feeling passionate about things that are monotonous, and yet eternally significant, is no small task!! Really, it's an impossible task without the Savior. Mark 9:29 comes to mind: "And [Jesus] said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting."
So, in conclusion, I think you're doing a super job at life! I'm so happy to have a sister I can ride on this train of mortality with. You sure do help me enjoy the ride.
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